The Working Life – The Joys of Bar work.

A good friend of mine recently shared a post on Facebook. It was about things that only people had worked behind a bar would understand. This reminded me of a piece I wrote many moons ago (March 1992) for my English GCSE's at college. I was working at a nightclub called Minsky's at the time and this piece of work is based on that experience.

This is for you Alison

The Working Life – The Joys of Bar work.

As you walk through the doors into the club the heat hits you full on. It seems very dark apart from the revolving lights.

The DJ waves and makes a facetious remark over the microphone. It takes the usual ten minutes to find the staff room key, which has inevitably disappeared. It takes another five minutes to sign the clocking on sheet, remove my coat and adjust the constricting bow tie. Now correctly attired in black shoes, black skirt, white blouse and bow-tie, I start work behind the bar.

The first hour goes very slowly. The main occupation after counting the float in the till is wiping down the bar and emptying the ashtrays. This monotony is only occasionally interrupted by a customer requiring service. This process continues until eleven o'clock. After elven people start coming into the club in dribs and drabs; then in a great tidal wave as the pubs below us close up for the night.

There are many different types of people who come up to the bar. There are the Dithers. This group of people, who have, in their anxiousness to come out drinking, inadvertently left their brains at home. A typical Ditherer will come to the bar and ask for 'half a lager and half a bitter. No that's not it. I'll have half a bitter and half a cider. No I'll have a bottle of Pils and half a cider.' After ten minutes they generally have decided they will just have a tomato juice.

The second group comes under the heading of 'I didn't ask you for that.' the customer comes to the bar and asks for a pint of lager and half a bitter. When the drinks are placed on the count the reaction is 'What's this I asked for a half a cider.' this can be very infuriating.

The next group is 'If I move away from the bar it might collapse.' This is without doubt one of the most frustrating groups of people who come to the bar; for the simple reason they never leave it. This makes it impossible to serve properly as there are only certain areas of the bar where the customers can come to.

The fourth group I have entitled 'The Screaming Harpies.' This is designated to the groups of women who stand screaming at the bar for service. They seem blissfully oblivious to the fact that they are not the only ones that want service.

Another interesting group is not made up of the customers but of the staff. The door staff or as they are more commonly known 'The Bouncers' are quite unique. These gentlemen are employed to ensure that there is no trouble in the night club. However when a fight breaks out they see more interested in who is likely to win than if they should separate the people involved.

There is a special group of people that appear exclusively on a Sunday night. This group of people we have affectionately nicknamed 'The Vultures.' On a Sunday night there are special offers. Between 9 o'clock and 9.15 and 10 o'clock and 10.15 on certain drink if you buy one you get one free.

'The Vultures.' generally enter the club at 9.30 but will not buy a drink until 10 o'clock. They hover around the bar and when it reaches 10 o'clock they flock to the bar in herds screeching for their free drinks.

All these groups inter-wound with other delight such as slippery floors running out of glasses and all the lager and cider pumps going off together at the busiest time of night all combine together to make ' The Joys of Bar work.'